Yesterday was the second time in my life I've had what I'll call an "Autistic Collapse". Not for it being any sort of technical phrase, just, one of my few coherent thoughts was "hey, this lines up with a lot of the low-functioning autism I've read about." And not in the normally perceived "socially awkward" way, so much as "reality is a deeply confusing and far too big place" - I too often forget that autism includes that, and I'm much more there than I am socially awkward (people are weird, but I seem to have a decent handle on them for the most part)
Started with just a general sort of fogginess - sort of like when one is getting tired. It was difficult to focus on things, and I kept spacing out, but nothing terribly unusual. Fairly quickly slid down-hill to the point that finishing sentences on IM was tricky, however: "Also, want to snuggle and... tv... thingy... o.o" was my last message to
ambershadedlens. A few minutes later, I realised
aesmael was still online and we'd been talking, which is the point where I started to get a little bit alarmed.
Managed to make it to living room, despite "balance" having suddenly become an extremely difficult operation which relied largely on bracing self with each step so we wouldn't fall, and leaning against wall as much as possible. Started snoring against Amber almost immediately, despite feeling completely wired and incapable of sleep. Eventually managed to wave vaguely in direction of TV, and we got to start watching something!
At which point I realised what was going on, because I seriously wanted to change the play speed of the show down to ~50% of normal, because I was dropping entire sentences, and literally had no idea why things were happening. Things would just suddenly be in a different state and I couldn't understand why.
Showering often clears my head, so I pointed towards the bathroom and managed to say "rain" and, eventually, "sours". I am lucky Amber is used to me being ridiculously clumsy with words, because she got the idea. Then I got to spend 10 minutes trying to get my clothes off, because I was too uncoordinated to handle the motions involved (socks are a pain in the ass when you can only reliably manage to move one limb at a time, and that for only a few seconds...)
From there, started hearing voices in the shower and decided it was really time to be done. At which point, instead of turning off the shower, I just kept moving my head in an odd patterned motion. Eventually managed to hold on to the idea that I really, really needed to hit the "stop" button, and got the shower to stop. Was very confusing, though, as I hadn't washed my hair, and wasn't I supposed to do that first?
Stood there for a while. Chirped at Amber in hopes she'd show up, as I'd been noticing that talking out loud to her was helping me focus. Stood there for a while longer. Finally figured out that I probably needed to open the shower curtain. Proceeded to repeat the motions of opening the shower curtain again and again. Broke out of that loop.
Stared at towel. Managed to vaguely slap it against my skin in a few places. Eventually gave up, and just sat there on the hallway floor with a towel and a very confused expression. Every once in a while I'd realise my body was crying and slap myself with the towel to dry that spot (i.e. my body was still wet from showering, and things like "my arm is wet" were registering as "that's odd, my arm is crying, I should beat it with this towel"). Had basically no coordination - was literally just hitting self with towel. Eventually just collapsed on top of towel. At some point Amber helped me back to sitting up. Threw towel over head for a while and hid from world / vaguely dried hair.
Managed to get up and bring a shirt in to bed with me. Spaced out for a while (not even "staring at ceiling", no, that would have been a bit too complex for me o.o). Crawled in to shirt. Realised I was seeing a bright light at end of tunnel. Reassured self that was normal for putting on shirt. Got bit of an adrenaline rush, and managed to get head through neck hole of shirt (even managed to distinguish neck and arm holes, thanks to shirt tag! Was so proooud of self!!)
Collapsed, with arms still out of shirt. Eventually Amber came back in again and dressed us, which was more than a bit mortifying, and slightly non-consensual. On the other hand, think it would have taken at least 30 minutes, and it's not like parents don't do this to small children as a routine thing. Also not sure I was capable of communicating that it wasn't okay - had a vague concept of safewords or something but couldn't quite figure out if I should be using them. Kept thinking I should explain I can't consent, not sure if I ever did. Any time she touched me my brain just shut down - not anything bad, just, I literally couldn't process "touch" and "stand upright" at the same time. Later, trying to go pee, almost fell flat on the floor because of that - lucky she managed to catch me, as not sure I could have braced myself for a fall.
Finally got self under covers for sleep, and took melatonin (holy shit, taking pills is complex). Had to call Amber back in to turn on light, because we realised we wanted to listen to a CD, and needed light to sort through our collection. Unfortunately, our first choice was dirty and wouldn't play, so we grabbed a second one. As we were doing this, Amber offered to clean the first one. Went completely paralysed. I couldn't hand her the first CD, because the second was in my hand. Should I set the second one down? I was supposed to hand her the first one. Should I set the second one down? Finally managed to literally throw second CD in to the player (and somehow got it in o.o) and resolve the lock state. Turned out second CD worked and Amber couldn't clean first anyway. Slept at some point.
Woke up at 4 AM, feeling like my brain had finally come back. Very grateful, because it is a quite traumatic experience. Tend to feel a lot of anxiety of will this go away or have we just permanently lost our mind. Also lots of crying, and a fair bit of embarrassment that we are having someone help us with something basic like "get dressed".