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Dec. 31st, 2037

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[sticky post] Reference

( Profile ) ( Contact Info ) ( Meditations ) ( Private Notes ) (1)

Jan. 11th, 2017

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Aspie Promises -vs- NT promises

"One thing I suspect is going on here is that people on the autism spectrum interpret all kinds of promises to be more binding than neurotypical people do"

Yeah I suffer from that...

OMG do I suffer from that...

"An aspie promise and an NT promise are not the same thing. Aspies are literal, black and white thinkers. A promise to an aspie literally means they will do anything possible to make it happen. To NTs, it means that right now, they really really feel like they will do it and they are showing an emotional commitment to getting it done. The reality is that if something more important comes up, or if it becomes to inconvenient, the promise will be ignored."

I feel like "literally means they will do anyting possible to make it happen" is overstating it, although I suspect a much younger pre-adolescent version of myself had trouble not thinking that way.
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Jan. 7th, 2017

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The Problem With (Definitions Of) Abuse


Having survived several abusers in my short but colourful life, I find them remarkably easy to recognise. It's a shame they don't.

So here's a rough guide to identifying a potentially harmful relationship, and what to do about it.

[...]

lack of compassion from a loved one, eg if you are unwell or upset, is not normal loving behaviour. See above tweets for more details.

If someone abandons you, withdraws, disengages, when you need them most, they are punishing you for FEELING. This is extremely abusive.

[...]

- https://twitter.com/MxJackMonroe/status/817336195004977152


There is SO much wrong with this...

1)I suffer from depression. I have depressive episodes. Asking me for my last spoon isn't abusive. Demanding it is DEFINITELY abusive. Telling me I'm "extremely abusive" for not giving you that spoon is extremely abusive.

2) I suffer from depression. I have depressive episodes. If you really truly wanted to support me, you would be burning through a ridiculous number of spoons. And yet, it would be extremely abusive of me to demand those spoons from people (see point #1)

3) If you are yelling at me, I don't owe you emotional support.

4) If you've crossed my boundaries, I have a right to withdraw.

5) If you are being abusive, it is actually quite healthy of me to abandon you.

6) Really, unless I've committed otherwise: I don't OWE you emotional labor, I don't OWE you my spoons. You can have perfectly healthy "fair weather" relationships. A healthy relationship is one built on mutual negotiation, which respects the limits of both partners.

7) It is, of course, perfectly reasonable to say that this isn't what you want, and break up with them: People can be incompatible without being abusive! If you need something that I cannot or will not provide, leave! If I have told you I cannot or will not provide what you want, and you keep demanding it, then you're the abusive one.

Jan. 2nd, 2017

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o/` You're Welcome o/`

A song from Moana really grabbed me. In the scene, Moana is demanding someone help undo the damage they've caused. His response is to sing a song about how he has done so many good things, and didn't intend any harm by the bad thing - so it's not his responsibility. Indeed, she should be thanking him (thus the song's title, "You're Welcome")

I've got this tendency to confuse "excusable" and "harmless" behavior - I think that if something is harmless, it ought to have an excuse. And if someone can offer an excuse, then it ought to be harmless.

In other words, if someone has an excuse for harming me, I'll believe the song and feel the need to say "thank you". I'm very bad at saying "okay, but that still hurts me", or even really recognizing that it IS still hurting me.

And, conversely, once I work out that it still hurts me? Well, then it must not be excusable. The shiny words they fed me are a lie, manipulation. Hurting me isn't okay, so clearly we can extrapolate that any action which hurts me is inexcusable.



I'm hoping that the absurdity of all of this is obvious when I spell it out. It certainly is for me. There's a very huge failure state here, in that it doesn't have any sense at all of two people simply having incompatible needs.



My grandma is old and senile, and you can't really expect anything you teach her will stick. It doesn't matter that this is just the word she was raised with, that she means well by it. I don't have to put up with her racist comments. Despite her intent, she's doing harm. And despite the harm, her actions are still excusable - you might as well blame the stone for not bleeding.

It's not always as cut and dry, either. We need spaces where speech is free, where controversial ideas can be voiced, because "blacks are human" and "gays should be allowed to exist in public" used to be very controversial ideas. But we also need spaces where speech is constrained, because "blacks aren't human" and "gays should be killed" are still very harmful ideas.

And it seems like you ought to be able to compromise: make a space that's okay for controversy, but not for harm. But the problem is, everyone's harmed by different things. My grandma's going to be harmed if you keep calling her out, because she can't help it. Autistic members are going to be bullied simply because they phrased things awkwardly.



"You're welcome" I say, to the ungrateful person who can't appreciate the effort I'm making, here. "You're welcome", they say back to me, utterly baffled that I'd get so defensive when I'm so clearly in the wrong.



I want to hear more people say "Thank you for explaining that."



For those of you following along from the original movie reference: Yes, the song and the point of this post are completely at odds. I wish the world worked like the movies, and there was a clear right and wrong to every situation, a magical quest that would make things right, and we'd live happily ever after.

But there's not.

So all I can do is say: "So long, and thanks for all the fish." (which is to say "Thank you for what you've done for me. You may well be a wonderful person, but I can't stick around if you're going to keep hurting me.")

Dec. 30th, 2016

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There Is No Spade

There Is No Spade // So Stop Calling It One

Nov. 24th, 2016

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part of the machine // jellyfish

And I looked at the world, and I cried out.

Society works together, all the people built together in to a beautiful machine. There's ratchets and clanks and 3/4th inch bolts and 5/16th inch bolts. And everyone wants me to join them. Be part of this machine. And they ask: am I a 3/4th inch bolt or a 5/16th?

And I try to say, I'm neither of those.

The world is accomodating. They reach out further. Maybe I'm metric? a 25 mm bolt? Maybe I'm a spark plug? They want to find a place for me.

And I try to say, I can't be part of your machine.

Patience is lost. I must be some sort of part. Why don't I know my place? Why don't I know my specifications? What failure of self-awareness has occurred, that I can't fit in to their machine?

And I try to say: the problem is that I'm a jellyfish! I'm not a piece of machinery at all!

They look at me, baffled, sad. What a transparent lie. You're cleary a piece of machinery. We all are.

There's no such *thing* as jellyfish, they say.

But even if there *was*, you're clearly not a jellyfish. You understand 25 mm bolts and 3/4th inch socket wrenches. Jellyfish can't understand machinery at all.
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Nov. 18th, 2016

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The Value Of Anger

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Fuck all those people screaming in pain just because they broke a leg. Show some self control!

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Fuck the person who cries, who misses a few days of work, when their mom dies. Show some self control!

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Just because you suffer from Depression is no reason not to shower every day. Show some self control!

Fuck that nonsense!

We’re human! Sometimes we have strong emotions, and maybe we CAN’T hold ourselves together 100%.

I think control is important. I think taking responsibility, even for the bits we can’t control, is important.

But FUCK YOU if you’re yet another one of those FUCKING ASSHOLES that’s going to tell me how ~easy~ it is to control my behavior when I’m suffering.

"You may not be able to control you emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors."

That quoted line is toxic fucking bullshit.

I want a world where it’s true. That’d be beautiful.

But I’m sick of abusers telling me that it’s fine for me to “be” upset as long as I can perfectly control it and somehow magically never show ANY sign of being upset.... Maybe, with a massive effort, I can keep myself calm and smiling while someone beats me, but don’t act like I’m a bad person, like I “lack self discipline” if I break down somewhere in there?

I’m sick of losing friends because if I “really” cared about them, I’d “choose” to hang out with them “rather than be Depressed”. Like it’s a choice! Like I can just choose to stop being depressed. Do you really think I would choose this?

And a GIANT FUCK YOU to all the abusive partners, parents, and authorities in my life who wouldn’t let me say one critical fucking word because I was “being disrespectful” or some bullshit. I’m glad to know your thin skin is somehow a bigger issue than the heaps of abuse you keep dumping on me, here :P



If you can’t handle the fact that people occasionally leak and show their emotions, then fuck off to whatever inhuman world you come from. Out here, we’re human. We leak, we show emotions - and you can fucking well deal with it.

Nov. 9th, 2016

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(no subject)

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oct. 24th, 2016

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Witch-y comment

When I was on vacation, paradox_puree was standing next to me, checking Google Maps despite me knowing the way: "I know you know where *YOU* are, but I want to know where *I* am."

It struck me as very reminiscent of the witches in Discworld.

Oct. 23rd, 2016

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Random encounters & the wandering gender chart

(That title would make a great band name ;))

Ran in to a couple stoners at Jack In The Box. They couldn't decide what to order, so one looks over to me, and asks, "Excuse me sir, what did you order?"

Fifteen minutes later, I'm at another nearby shop, and they wander in again. This time I'm being repeatedly referred to by my name, which is pretty blatantly female.

At no point in any of this did I feel like my gender was relevant to the experience - it was just a social placeholder because you have to say something where "sir" would go. No sense of hostility or even surprise at me being gendered differently. I'm not sure if they even noticed. (I mean, they were stoners :))

I dunno.

This is just... my default experience of gender, and I get the impression this is a typical cis experience of gender? Certainly, I have had long-haired cis-male friends mention they get called "ma'am" and short-haired cis-female friends get gendered "sir". It happens. No one seems to mean anything offensive by it.

I feel like I shock other trans people by just... not caring; by subscribing to that cis experience. By refusing to give it much weight. I've had entire conversations on the bus with someone who seemed quite convinced I was a guy, and I just... don't see why either of us should care enough to bother correcting that assumption :)

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