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Dec. 31st, 2037

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Nov. 24th, 2016

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part of the machine // jellyfish

And I looked at the world, and I cried out.

Society works together, all the people built together in to a beautiful machine. There's ratchets and clanks and 3/4th inch bolts and 5/16th inch bolts. And everyone wants me to join them. Be part of this machine. And they ask: am I a 3/4th inch bolt or a 5/16th?

And I try to say, I'm neither of those.

The world is accomodating. They reach out further. Maybe I'm metric? a 25 mm bolt? Maybe I'm a spark plug? They want to find a place for me.

And I try to say, I can't be part of your machine.

Patience is lost. I must be some sort of part. Why don't I know my place? Why don't I know my specifications? What failure of self-awareness has occurred, that I can't fit in to their machine?

And I try to say: the problem is that I'm a jellyfish! I'm not a piece of machinery at all!

They look at me, baffled, sad. What a transparent lie. You're cleary a piece of machinery. We all are.

There's no such *thing* as jellyfish, they say.

But even if there *was*, you're clearly not a jellyfish. You understand 25 mm bolts and 3/4th inch socket wrenches. Jellyfish can't understand machinery at all.
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Nov. 18th, 2016

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The Value Of Anger

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Fuck all those people screaming in pain just because they broke a leg. Show some self control!

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Fuck the person who cries, who misses a few days of work, when their mom dies. Show some self control!

You’re allowed to have emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors. Or, in other words: Just because you suffer from Depression is no reason not to shower every day. Show some self control!

Fuck that nonsense!

We’re human! Sometimes we have strong emotions, and maybe we CAN’T hold ourselves together 100%.

I think control is important. I think taking responsibility, even for the bits we can’t control, is important.

But FUCK YOU if you’re yet another one of those FUCKING ASSHOLES that’s going to tell me how ~easy~ it is to control my behavior when I’m suffering.

"You may not be able to control you emotions, but you can certainly control your behaviors."

That quoted line is toxic fucking bullshit.

I want a world where it’s true. That’d be beautiful.

But I’m sick of abusers telling me that it’s fine for me to “be” upset as long as I can perfectly control it and somehow magically never show ANY sign of being upset.... Maybe, with a massive effort, I can keep myself calm and smiling while someone beats me, but don’t act like I’m a bad person, like I “lack self discipline” if I break down somewhere in there?

I’m sick of losing friends because if I “really” cared about them, I’d “choose” to hang out with them “rather than be Depressed”. Like it’s a choice! Like I can just choose to stop being depressed. Do you really think I would choose this?

And a GIANT FUCK YOU to all the abusive partners, parents, and authorities in my life who wouldn’t let me say one critical fucking word because I was “being disrespectful” or some bullshit. I’m glad to know your thin skin is somehow a bigger issue than the heaps of abuse you keep dumping on me, here :P



If you can’t handle the fact that people occasionally leak and show their emotions, then fuck off to whatever inhuman world you come from. Out here, we’re human. We leak, we show emotions - and you can fucking well deal with it.

Nov. 9th, 2016

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(no subject)

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Oct. 24th, 2016

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Witch-y comment

When I was on vacation, paradox_puree was standing next to me, checking Google Maps despite me knowing the way: "I know you know where *YOU* are, but I want to know where *I* am."

It struck me as very reminiscent of the witches in Discworld.

Oct. 23rd, 2016

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Random encounters & the wandering gender chart

(That title would make a great band name ;))

Ran in to a couple stoners at Jack In The Box. They couldn't decide what to order, so one looks over to me, and asks, "Excuse me sir, what did you order?"

Fifteen minutes later, I'm at another nearby shop, and they wander in again. This time I'm being repeatedly referred to by my name, which is pretty blatantly female.

At no point in any of this did I feel like my gender was relevant to the experience - it was just a social placeholder because you have to say something where "sir" would go. No sense of hostility or even surprise at me being gendered differently. I'm not sure if they even noticed. (I mean, they were stoners :))

I dunno.

This is just... my default experience of gender, and I get the impression this is a typical cis experience of gender? Certainly, I have had long-haired cis-male friends mention they get called "ma'am" and short-haired cis-female friends get gendered "sir". It happens. No one seems to mean anything offensive by it.

I feel like I shock other trans people by just... not caring; by subscribing to that cis experience. By refusing to give it much weight. I've had entire conversations on the bus with someone who seemed quite convinced I was a guy, and I just... don't see why either of us should care enough to bother correcting that assumption :)

Oct. 17th, 2016

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Nominevoyant (#65)

I never forget a name. I never learn a name. I just see them, there, the way you see colors and shapes.

I've known your name since before we met. Since the day you were born, in fact. I know it's not the name you go by today. I can tell you when it changed, who knew you by the old name for longer, and who you only ever knew by your new name. I know the cruel nicknames you endured growing up, and the affectionate ones whispered in your ear by lovers. I can tell you every username you've ever used - yes, even that one. Even the ones you've forgotten. Even the ones where all the ephemeral digital traces have been washed away by the sea of times.

Does it have it uses? Oh yes. Definitely. But I'm far more ethical than to actually use it that way.
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Walking

Went for a walk today. Thought about things. Realized I should probably start heading home, but I wanted to keep going. The gods gently nudged that no really this was not a wise idea by making it rain. I took the hint and wandered home. Sara Bareilles's album, "The Blessed Unrest", continues to be very good for depressed walks, and a few songs I usually ignore ended up being strikingly relevant to my thoughts.

Also I still need to write a SPOTD tonight...

Oct. 15th, 2016

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Carbonation (#64)

So, the first time my power manifested, it took us a bit to realize it. See, me and a friend went camping. We go to bite in to some avacados and we just sort of. Pause and stare at each other. They tasted fine. They hadn't gone bad. But they... tingled? And this is a very very wrong sensation, coming from an avacado.

But my friend, she's a chem major, so she picks up on it fast enough - they're carbonated. Which meant, apparently, one of us had the power of Carbonation, because fruit is not widely known for being sold pre-carbonated.

And that's... pretty much the extent of the power. It's a great signature move, though. Break it out on a first date, or when someone comes to visit. My friends are all very careful not to let anyone know about the joke. And it's great watching that expression. It's completely unique. Nothing else quite produces the same reaction as when someone first eats carbonated fruit, without advanced warning.

I mean, my soda is also always fresh, never flat? There's that too. Oh, heh. And you know that trick with Mentos and diet cola? I don't need the Mentos. Fun little parlor tricks like that.
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I want to start posting more

I want to start posting more here. Discussing what's going on with my life, and inside my head. Having a philosophy that's not wrapped up in abstract, non-verbal spaces, but instead something I can share with people.

I'm a bit worried that the SPOTD posts will overwhelm any efforts at "real" communication, but IDK, still worth a try, right? And I could always dump those in to unplace...

I want to get back in to writing "Elly's life", but maybe summarizing seasons instead of months.

I desperately want to avoid EVER wandering off the deep end and using this posting as an excuse to dump my fights out publicly, though. That's really what made me stop. I'm... I regret a lot of the stuff I posted when Joyce and I broke up. Some of it was necessary and I was needing support, but a lot of it was just mean and pointless and I don't want that content living here any further.

Not that I appear to have an actual audience? But this journal has always been about ME :)

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